There are those times we make determined effort.
Other times we seem to hit a solid wall—
Finally learn to just let go, surrender….
There is so little we ultimately control.
Then suddenly the river takes a turn,
Around the bend a wider, dazzling brightness shows.
Sometimes we wake within the night—
In the darkest times we see the greatest insight,
Clarity descends like an angel on graceful
Wings brushing up against our undefended skin….
Or perhaps a locked door finally opens,
Options found where once there was an empty room.
The old familiar voices are no longer needed now—
Let go the anger, shame and lingering despair….
I’ve slept upon that bed at night
Wrapped in sheets when I was bruised and beaten.
Years ago, I lost my innocence— perhaps it was stolen
From a child too far from home and all alone.
Thank God I found a trusty guide and healer,
And when she died, I found a second one.
They taught me to decipher hieroglyphics
Scratched by fingernail upon the walls of caves within my dreams—
Held my hand and listened to my tears and screams.
Years and years it took for wounds to slowly turn to Sacred Wounds,
To find an antidote to poison in my heart.
I’ve stumbled walking down the path, crawled on bloodied knees
Until at last I found the prison keys— released myself,
Taken by the hand in invitation, taught to weave
Tapestry from blood soaked thread.
Now odd as it may seem, I see unbroken circle,
Transforms the poems I write to prayer—
And there I sense you reading with me, sitting in your chair,
Composing music out of vivid air.
This morning I walk the dog,
Rain falling on my face
Mixing with the tears of countless years—
Washed in last night’s fading full moon light.
A thousand times I’ve cried, yet still I know
There sounds a deeper voice within I’ve only just begun to hear,
Could never really listen to, this deeper Self
Only just now showing up— worthy of my love.
This is all I want, to walk the streets in rain,
Knowing that my eyes are finally open—at least enough this morning—
To see the world entire that I wake up to,
Breaking open my heart again and again….
Each step filled with wonder at the multitude of arms above,
Branches of the trees touching, embracing,
So deeply rooted in the Earth that they can boldly sway,
Without a doubt, proclaim the dance they came to dance this day.
God— I love this heart-cracking world,
Weary and discouraged though at times I may appear to be,
Yet hold the Whole in sacred prayer, hold it close
As salt is carried by my tears, weightless burden of the crystal soul—
Wakened at the dawn of day, wiping tears away,
Not caring if the tears are joy or grief as long as they are flowing,
Rich in texture, soaking in whatever nourishment they bring,
As they run down my face, splash upon the thirsty world.
What words are there to say?
I walk into the empty room,
Hope to see the bed unmade,
See form or mark upon the pillow
Where once your head had been.
I’d swim laps around the sun,
Charm snakes, chase rabbits, streak naked
If I could see the color of your eyes for one more hour.
I don’t know what to do
Without the heaviness of you
Upon my back, inside my chest— the wall removed,
Cloudburst passed so my eyes can see again.
Why does endless longing of my love
Not have an ounce of power?
Sometimes I hate that poetry is only words—
Has not the life of a blade of grass.
What’s worse is that the weight of love
Still leaves monumental empty space,
Edges of the hollowed place
A hallowed boundary line I cannot cross.
Wherever you are right now,
I pray you hear my prayer,
Know this secret place inside my heart
Is never empty when I think of you.
Even in my darkest dreams,
You’re there— you’re everywhere but here.
Even after many years
Bittersweet memories linger,
Rising out of sleep into the frigid dawn,
Like hot steam rising from the kettle
Though the kitchen is forever bare.
At first intense and hot,
Steam disperses in the room,
Memory hides upon silent, fragile cobwebs
Unnoticed for months.
I sweep the day’s dust behind the door,
Count the ways memories sway upon the slightest breeze,
Immeasurable their width and weight.
Though I cannot describe their shape,
I know their apparent fragility is deceptive—
Tender as a fragile scent upon a flower,
Yet strong and never break apart,
Intent as knives to find the heart,
Bring me to my knees in wordless prayer.
Still, they bring a gift and I refuse
To judge the outcome of this present moment,
Knowing as I do they whisper in the quiet room,
Matter more than poetry conveys,
Focus imprecise, bringing precise needs—
Speak in service of the hurt between me and you.
Patiently I ask forgiveness so I can freely live,
So I can freely die, let go weight borne inside the flesh,
Offer gift of love in acknowledgement of answered prayer.
I must do this if I want to go on living—
Accept the pain, the senseless wonder, the keening want—
Making no concession but to the wild desire for love,
Offer it to you as my last will and testament.
If you were here and knew the inner landscape of my soul,
I think you’d know the answer hides in hunger of your heart.
We sat, gazing into each other’s eyes,
A universe waiting, reflecting light, reaching out
For as long as we could bear—
Envisioning each other in protective embrace,
Divinity present and clear within the room,
Flowing around defenses until they melted
And we were vulnerable and naked,
Clothed only in love and blinking smiles.
There were no words….
Eyes expressed our every need,
Wonder pouring out in every tear.
I surrendered my very Self to Love,
My ground of Being.
Suddenly I lost all thought—-
The love I felt was huge, endlessly expanding,
Softening, resolving every fear—
No room left within the heart but the silent Now,
Here was present the entire world
Right behind your eyes.
A blizzard does not damn the Earth;
Warm road to the heart still open,
Though helicopter winds blind eyes,
Circle overhead as I walk out upon frozen lake—
Arms lifted in moving air with prayer.
Howling silence opens every valve,
Iron and fire of soul drift upon
Crystals spreading out upon flat face of ice—
Yet still the map is clear within calm eye of storm,
As endlessly strong wind blows where it wills.
I’m waiting for winter’s end,
For new love to warm the world again,
Melt whatever ice has formed within the heart,
Allow my blood to boil
Until body dissolves…
Surrenders one more time to Spring —
Why are you standing on other side of the fence?
Take off your armor of protection—
Hold my hand as we walk
Down a road where we cannot see the end…
I can’t tell for sure if the Sun is rising or setting,
Only that as long as it shines
I see your smile, reflected glimmer within your eyes—
Don’t expect this will be easy,
Love is not for the weak of heart—
Life doesn’t come with a guide book…
Still, I’ve learned one thing—
When love is real, it is eternal