All of my life, I’ve been looking…
Searching in the strangest yet oddly dark and holy places,
Refusing to give up the torture in my heart,
Your absence rubbing against desire,
Inflames both scorching hot and immobilizing cold,
Unrelenting, unremitting need I have to find you,
Have you here beside me.
If there were such a temple where I could sacrifice,
You’d find me there at night until the dawn,
Whatever strength I find bleeding out upon the altar,
Excess of agony increased when I yield and acquiesce
To prayer and love of God instead of you.
Though I beg for mercy, God does not spare,
The pain so delicate yet obstinate this search for love.
Whatever power or purpose— merely concentrates the search.
To give you up would be to wound the heart,
Walk away from destiny, abandon hope of new beginning
Faintly glimmering in eyes I’ve never seen.
My Soul cannot consent to yield,
Will never seal and nail shut the door.
And so I still walk the streets both day and night,
Thinking God is angered, jealous, takes away
Whatever chance of peace your voice might bring.
I am vanquished and conquered both by you and God,
Tortured by grief that Divinity refuses to relieve.
I will not renounce the prison, where mind is sadly broken.
Though I wait through winter for a spring
Whose blossom has not yet come,
Kneeling still in hope the search rises or descends
Past darkness of despair to find one day your hand,
Touch your hair, kiss upon the lips, throw roses at your feet.
On such a day as this, I will reach thrilling mountaintop,
Look down upon such tortured valley where I now dwell,
Know my suffering has not been in vain,
To rest beside, to call your name each morning when I wake.