Only yesterday, a governor
Who last year spoke of his state
Succeeding from the Union,
Has now announced
He’s a candidate for president.
So if he wins and we all split up,
I am letting everyone know
I’m now a candidate
For King of Vermont.
I’ve been to the state
At least four times over the years
And have a high regard for the people.
I love the rounded hills, the mountains,
Valleys and little towns.
I speak the native language,
Though lack the accent.
But I’m the right age,
Not too young, not too old.
And I don’t think a king should be
Over six feet tall, taking into account
The height of the crown….
I can ride a horse with proper pomp
On necessary ceremonial occasions.
I can be polite and diplomatic,
Would rule wisely and with compassion.
Salary and benefits are negotiable;
The palace can be relatively modest
Given the size of the state.
I am making myself available,
Tossing my hat in the ring a bit early,
Hoping that others will hesitate
Now I’m being considered….
A good offense is the best defense, eh?
When the new constitution is written, remember
Kingship is hereditary and I have heirs.
My profile on new stamps will look just fine.
Details about proper court etiquette
Can be worked out later, no need to do that now.
We can always use as model the British Monarchy.
Money will be saved as elections become irrelevant,
Unless people wish to have some type of Parliament….
Not that that is necessary, as I will rule with
Dignity, benevolence, wisdom and grace.
I assure the people of Vermont,
There will be more efficiency and
Far less graft, if things are left entirely in my hands.
Design of new china, embossed stationary,
Uniforms for guards and servants,
Purchase of artwork to hang on walls,
Statues for the formal garden,
Royal jewels, cars, horses, carriage….
I’ll select everything myself,
Saving on committee expenses and arguments.
“His Majesty, King Frederick, the King of Vermont”
Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
As long as I can winter in the south….
Vermont can be damn cold in winter, can’t it?
I’ll return in May, after mud season and
Stay to rule through November.
The rest, I really think, can be accomplished
By email, telephone, and social media.
Seven months of the year,
I commit to being in Vermont,
Before my private railway car or plane
Takes me to Italy, France, Brazil, Chile—
As ambassador of Good Will…..
I really do think this could work out
For the best of everyone concerned.
Now all we have to do is elect
That governor as president.